cue low soothing music....I'm about read some poetry

Don't get me wrong I love Facebook, Twitter..all that, but I wrote a social/ political poem for class about it...called, what else, SOCIAL NETWORKING:


A blue and white logo
invites him into a world
where companions,
classmates,
and strangers all share
the nametag of friend.
Providing a connection
that replace phone calls,
but adds late night chats
and wall posts.
Missing out on the joy
of ‘you had to have been there’
moments.
Never feeling the comforts
of a much-needed hug.
His computer never sleeps,
his keys scream for rest.
Fingers that grow stiffer
with every status.
Attached to this life
he has created, far from reality.
Deceived by notifications,
believing it means
people care.
Looking to facebook
as a release, from the world
he lives in.
Sinking deeper
into this fantasy,
longing for the two worlds
to merge.
Gradually his desire
for phone calls
will no longer
exist.
Completely consumed
with feelings
of acceptance from people
he will never meet.
Not realizing
that social networking
cannot replace the beauty
of experiencing life
unregulated by a delete key.

Poetry time *snap snap*

Well, for my poetry class we had to make a portfolio of our work, sooooo here is one of those poems:


Unfound Path



Forty other hands
competing for her attention.
Books that are missing pages
let alone history. Children craving
an education, forced to settle
for less.


Parents wishing their children
could become drug dealers,
basketball players.
Realizing that’s the only way
for them, to leave the hood.


A government
that has discarded them.
Believing they are nothing
but trouble.


Where do you go,
when you are surrounded
by negativity?


You could go left:
To a college
far beyond your means
financially and academically
forcing you to abandon
your dream. As your high school
didn’t prepare you for college.
Assuming you’d
choose another path.


You could go right:
Living a life of crime,
having more money
then you could imagine.

Secretly watched
by police, as they find
the perfect time to intervene


You could go back:
Working two part-time jobs,
as your family barely survives
on welfare.
Fearing illness, injury
since you don’t have insurance.


You want to go forward,
but don’t know how
to get there.

Hmmmm...I Thought it was Over.....wrong

SOOOO you remember how I was excited that I no longer was crushing over THAT boy. However, this semester I still seemed to feel his spirit on me like we were connected for some reason. Not understanding I began to pray, asking God to reveal the reasoning behind our connection. God, I believe, showed me in sections his involvement in my life through my dreams even before I asked. Because the dreams started over the summer before last & didn't ask until this fall. First, when he started appearing in my dreams he was a person I gazed at from afar but with each dream I got closer and closer until he was in my social circle(greek circle). To when we were actually playing together like we were friends to the most recent dream where we were together...not sure if as a couple or just really close friends. The interesting thing is that I asked God to give me a sign because I'm unable to determine if our spirits are truly connected or if my flesh just wanted him. Then that's when I have the dream about us being together....I have no clue what happened in the dream I just remember we were together. I pray that God reveals our true purpose together in His time because I'm beginning to believe that its more to our connection than a little crush like I thought before. I also pray that we will allow God to bring us together in His methods, for His glory. I may want to know everything about what's going to happen between us but I know God has a rhyme and a reason for everything. I trust that He will provide me with a wonderful mate that will cherish me for a lifetime. It maybe my ex-crush...maybe not but I have faith in God & that's all I need.

Oh What a Semester

To say that this semester was hectic would be an understatement. Being the president of NPHC, dealing with classes, and participating in my own sorority the last few months have been a blur. Thankfully, tomorrow will be considered the last day of the fall semester. Where do I begin in describing this semester? First, I was completely excited that I no longer had feelings for my ex-crush because it took a weight off my shoulders. Since it meant that I no longer would worry about ever dating him or anything....I was free, so I thought (but that's another story). Not thinking about him constantly gave me spare head space to think about productive things like graduate school, graduating, SENIOR YEAR...you know, fun stuff. However, since he is in NPHC I still have to see him frequently, but its cool. Ohhh & now he has a girlfriend...a delta....and they are such cakers because you see them hold hands, kissing in public...nasty. Its not like I'm jealous but I just don't like such p.d.a.
Second, this semester has been a HUGE time of development in my walk with God because this semester God revealed to me that I have the gift of healing through the creepiest dream EVER. I casted out a demon out of my younger brother with the help of my mother. I was soooooo scared after this dream since I had never experienced a dream like this. Being scared of what God had enstored for me...I ran, for weeks. During this time I couldn't sleep, I was eating randomly...it was bad. So I eventually surrendered to God, releasing my gifts over to him. Then the next week after we came back from church my hands started feeling weird, then they began to radiate heat...my hands were soooooo hot. To top it off when my friends (who are spiritually sensitive) touched my hands it would send tingles up their arms. Idk what God wants me to do with this gift, but I'm open to anything & everything. Believing that I'm blessed that God choose me to use, trusting me with this gift...so I better be greatful & use it for the glory of Him.
This semester was crazy but memoriable......low key I'm kinda going to miss my undergrad years.

I'm BAAAAAACK!!!!

I know its been a while, but school has really been taking up most of my time. But I'm back with some poetry:


Façade 


His eyes pierced my soul
As if with one glance, he knew
everything.
Seeing past the fancy car,
clothes and into the secrets
I hold dear.
I’ve never felt so exposed.


Reluctant to give him
all of me, in fear
I won’t be good enough.


Despite my doubt,
he showered me with love,
and warmth. Breaking down
the walls upon my heart.


He taught me how to live.


Showing me the beauty
in a moment. Taking time
to share stories of wisdom.


Rearranging my values,
teaching me
that friendship, memories
are worth more
than anything in my closet.


Advising me on how
I can be more like him.


As our love grows,
so does my courage
to discard my façade.
Finally seeing,
what he saw all along.

No longer deceiving myself

Encourage Yourself

"No one is harder on you than YOU" idk who I got this from but its completely true to my life. Always seem to find myself being my hardest critic. I have this feeling that I need to be perfect at all times and it can be stressful to think this way. I believe this complex came from my mother wanting me to be the best & no matter how well I was doing she still lied to make me seem even better.....like whatever I do isn't good enough. In an effort to please her I would go above and beyond that, so that maybe one day she wouldn't have to lie. Yet after a while, it just became a way of life...my clothes have to be ironed, hair neat, and shoes clean or I can't walk out of my room. Sometimes I wish I could leave Harper dressed a little less than perfect, but I would continuously be fixing my hair or straightening my clothes....its an obsession. Even if I am neat...I find myself checking my reflection in windows, shadows, and even showcases. I feel that my body image is distorted b/c ppl think that I look way nicer than I believe & I am continuously trying to see what they see or even better what God sees in me. This complex puts a lot of stress on me because I'm trying to live up to a standard that NO ONE can achieve. With time I hope that I can decrease this behavior b/c I know its not healthy yet there is always something in the back of my mind telling me to re-iron my clothes, fix my hair, make sure your face looks good. I just need to learn to ENCOURAGE MYSELF & BELIEVE THAT I AM INDEED BEAUTIFUL : )

The End of an Era....the crush is over!

To say that God works in mysterious ways would be an under statement. He has really been working in my life specifically in the area of men and relationships. For the last year and a half I have been trying to make sense of this crush that I had. And it wasn't until a few minutes ago did I learn what God was trying to show me. He was trying to show me that I have a void in my heart in which needs to be filled with God. The way He went about showing me this was extravagant because He opened my heart just enough for me to begin to crush on someone, but needed for me to grow in my faith before He could take to the next step. Then once I was strong in God, He allowed me to question my reasoning behind liking such a random guy. Once I completely trusted in God I was able to put a demand on his spirit and if we were meant to be in each other's lives for any reason, not just romantically.....he will contact me by Friday at midnight. But since I am new to this "demand" thing I was slightly skeptical that God works in this way. Sooooooo weirdly enough the day was moving along like any other then randomly my friend asked me to go to this toga party hosted by my crush's organization.....even though she doesn't like parties let alone house parties.
Of course we go.....after being at the party for at least 45 minutes my crush passes my friend, taps her on the shoulder, and says hi......but when he sees me he stops right in front of me for an extended period of time after he says hi........weird right?......so then its getting really awkward so I tap his hand like to say "hey I acknowledge your existence can you please move b/c this is weird."  Then he walked away. It wasn't until later that night that I realized that, that awkward moment showed me that the demand I put on him worked and that we are not meant to be in each other's lives.
Sooooo this rest of the weekend I was not as happy as I normally am and while at church I discovered that it is because I have a void in my heart that I did not know was there. After speaking to my roommate she told me that maybe I needed him to come into my life so that God could show me that I have a void because you can't fix a problem you don't know exists.
That's where I stand crushless, but even more excited about where God is trying to take me. Therefore, its the end of an era but its the start of a new journey........a journey to a whole heart, filled with God.

I'm Really Starting to Like this Poetry Thing

The Small Things

Raindrops fall on my window
creating a musical symphony,
accented by thunder and lightning.
An atmosphere perfect for sleeping.
However, on this night, the music
was so prolific that it kept me up for hours.

Pondering about how something so simple
could be so poetic. Envisioning God
orchestrating this masterpiece,
combining the simple pleasures
with the majestic wonders. To create scenes
that take your breath away,
like thunderstorms and rainbows—
the things we take for granted.

Eventhough this poetry is for a class, I still feel it is a great opportunity for me to express feelings that I am reluctant to explore.

The Plot Thickens.....

Soooooooooo as the school year progresses, I find myself becoming more and more confused about my situation with my crush.Each day I feel that I fall deeper and deeper into a pit of distraction, in which I find myself spending hours thinking and dreaming about him. The weird thing is that I don't believe I find him physically attractive and he seems to be a disgrace to his organization, but I still can't help but think about him. A friend suggested that the reason that I am in this limbo of like/dislike is because I have not invested time into learning more about him. Being stuck in my rebellious ways I don't want to know more about him, I just want to get him out of my head. Sometimes I wonder if God put him on my heart for a reason and I'm just not understanding because the dreams are becoming more frequent, yet less about him. Now he is just a fixture in my dreams instead of the main attraction. The interesting part to me is that I believe that we are both so stuck in this "Its whatever" mentality that nothing will come of "possible" emotions because neither of us are willing to make moves. Personally I have become convinced that all I need to do is graduate and move to St. Louis and all my problems will be solved, but I fear it won't be that simple. But who knows what is to come of my little crush on this Kappa man.

Poetry.....new found art, for me at least

As a senior, I have been taking random classes just to fulfill my credit hour requirements. So I'm taking this creative writing class, which just happens to be primarily, only about poetry. Something I have never written before, but I have realized that I kinda sorta really like it.....its a cool way to express yourself. Here is my first poem I ever wrote:


Tears flow down my face
as if the levies to my tear ducts broke.
Eyes redder than the ink
used to grade my English paper.
And even though my face screams
Save me from this hell I call life

All my mouth could muster is
‘my day was fine.’

Mundane and generic
but all my mom had time for
before she went off to bed
leaving me
to navigate the world of love,
adolescence, and all the other things
parents tell their children
over bedtime stories and late night conversations.

Trial and error, what better way
to describe my life filled with
pent-up frustrations towards

All the boys who never liked me,
girls that hated me,
and teachers that couldn’t even remember
my name.

Oh the good years—high school
a time where I was ignored by most
and remembered by
none.

A time that has come and gone
leaving me with scars I’m proud
to show as proof I made it through.

The END
 
I think I'm gonna continue to write poetry & occasionally I will share some with you.

Hmmmmm...idk what I feel now

Soooo...remember how I said that I am released from the hold that my crush had over me, right?  Well, I do believe that I am still released  from this infatuation that I had for him but now I have a whole new feeling. I mean since the activities fair I have seen him several times....I mean its a small school with even less black people, that's gonna happen. So I've had a couple conversations and several interactions with him, which have allowed me to believe that I actually like him. I mean for his character and demeanor--not just for his looks or persona. THIS IS WHERE MY DILEMMA COMES IN. Idk if I want to like him? I mean he doesn't have a girlfriend....that I know of, he is funny, pretty cool, & we kinda have a similar sense of humor. But he is greek and in all my experiences that doesn't bring about faithful, trustworthy individuals. I know I have a bias experience because I'm only basing it off Bradley greeks but I mean sometimes being greek doesn't bring out the best in you.......sorry. This may sound weird but I don't want to "actually" like someone and they turn out to be a dog....even though he doesn't seem like that type of person....ahhhhh.that's another one of my defense mechanisms to make it seem that everyone has ulterior motives so that I don't allow anyone to ever get close to me.  That's something else I have to work on in my life. But right now I'm stuck in this place where I kinda like him &I kinda sorta believe he may like me too but of course I'm too scared to ask. I mean here is an example of why I think he may like me...you be the judge of whether he really does:
We had an event called Meet the Greeks where each NPHC organization can provide information to freshman and anyone else interested in greek life. Sooooo I'm standing in the lobby waiting for people to come to the event when for no apparent reason the kappas come out of their room and stand in the lobby with me. Ya know I didn't understand why it happened but I was gonna roll with it. Being the conversationalist that I am I begin to talk to them about another member of their chapter and what they expect to happen at this event. But my crush tended to stand back and not say much*that seems like the type of guy he is*, yet he wouldn't leave the lobby unless I left the lobby. WEIRD right? Anywho, so for a while he wouldn't say anything but when he saw these little cards that I made for the event he decided to tease me about them. * I guess since I was messing with him about their table at the activities fair he is okay with joking with me, which is fine* Then he started looking around in the lobby at pictures and showcases that have been there for months if not years.......really you haven't ever looked at these pictures before. I mean he was just finding reasons to stay in the lobby. Soooo I asked him about their room and what they had,and we kinda conversed about that but I had to leave their room because being the president of NPHC I tend to want to make sure nothing crazy is happening. But I just thought that was interesting that they gravitated towards me because they are good friends with the deltas but they were hanging out in the lobby with me. Idk what to think of it. But yeeeeeeeah that where I stand. In a place of idk and pure confusion. Hopefully, I will figure it out soon. until then deuces.

REVELATION

Soooooo today I had one of the biggest revelations ever. First let me start with saying that yesterday I was so distraught about my brain and heart conflicting with each other. Yet today I feel released and happy beyond reason because I conquered my fear.......talking to my crush. Let me tell you the story: As a member of a sorority at the beginning of every year we have to participate in an activities fair to show the freshmen what organizations are on Bradley's campus. Of course all the NPHC organizations are sitting next to each other, which meant I was a good 10 feet away from my supposed ex-crush. Originally, I was a little nervous but that soon faded as I began to talk and have fun with the other people around me. Then my soror/friend thought of the great idea to go mess with them since they didn't look happy sitting at their table. We walk over there asking for "more information" about their fraternity...just trying to make them laugh, which it did. But as I'm standing there my hand wouldn't stop shaking & I was soooooooo scared they would notice that I was nervous talking to them. After making them laugh my nervousness subsided and it allowed me to realize--there was nothing for me to be afraid of in the first place. I believe that God continued to place him on my heart--even after I didn't "like" him anymore--because I needed to be released from the hold he still had over me.  And I was released today because after talking, laughing, and joking with him I realized that I was putting him to a higher standard than everyone else. Like I expected him to be this great witty, smart, amazing person when really he is just a regular guy who is kinda funny and pretty cool. I thank God for this opportunity because I needed to be released from these feelings. Don't get me wrong I still kinda sorta like him but now I can see him as a normal individual and not some magnificent being. *sigh of relief* This will make this school year so much better because as I begin to realize that I don't have to put on a fascade for anyone...having that one person that I can't truly be me with would make me feel bad.I think I will sleep easier tonight knowing that I was able to face this problem head on......yes!

Conflicts

When I say conflicts I don't mean the kind that result in fights, arguments, or even break-ups. Conflicts for me are internal, just my brain and heart fighting against each other; one trying to convince the other. My latest conflict is over..........you guessed it......a guy. If you've read my previous posts its the same guy that I'm trying not crush over. However, since I have come back to school I've seen him nearly three times this week. Which I originally thought would be fine because I believed that I wasn't crushing over him anymore. This theory still reigned true until last night when I had ANOTHER dream about him....yes another. It had something to do with helping his friend move some of his stuff. Idk what it means. It makes me wonder if my heart/conscience/God is trying to tell me something about this boy and I'm just not understanding. Because in my mind I believe I don't have feelings for him, when I see him I don't get the same feelings anymore and I was happy about that. However, recently I have been having numerous dreams about him--more than when I was head over heals in like with him. So idk what to make of it....but its really frustrating when your trying to get over something yet it keeps popping back up. I just wish my brain and heart could come to a consensus about this topic.

Invisible

Growing up, I always believed that I blended into the background and that no one noticed me. Which produced a mindset that I could do WHATEVER and get away with it because I was essentially-- invisible. And up until I hit college my invisible theory was never threatened. However, college provides an opportunity for people to figure out who they really are, allowing me to bloom into this charmastic, hilarious, and smart person. Thus, creating an opportunity for me to become the "social butterfly" that I have always wanted to be, yet I still had the mindset that people could care less about Candace Gunby. College has really been a learning experience because not only have I become more comfortable with people taking notice of my talents and abilities but also I have learned that people actually care what I think, feel, & believe. I mean when I am home I know my family cares...to some extent about what I think. But for some reason it matters more to me what my peers think of me and my ideas. As I grow older, I'm trying not to let my peers have such an effect on my decisions & behaviors, but its hard because I've wanted their approval for sooooo long that I don't know any different. However, recently (as in the last year) I have started to learn that the reason I was so stressed over my appearance and persona was because I was trying to be something I'm not and keeping up a particular look, style, and attitude is hard--especially if its not you. Just forgetting all about the physical and focusing on God & our relationship has allowed me to begin to SEE myself for who I really AM, which lead me to the realization that I may have been invisible to everyone--even myself but I was never invisible to the one that matters.....GOD!

Straight Addiction Part 3

Yes, I am back with my new found addiction......Tru TV. If you don't have cable you are missing out on a great network filled with forsenic, cop, and comedy filled shows. I have become completely infatuated with this channel. I find it comical to see --may be it extreme cases-- of what other communities experience: from their involvement with the law or even repossession experiences. All of it is GOOD tv. Over this summer I have been able to discover shows that I wouldn't otherwise see and I am glad that I was able to do so.I guess since my summer wasn't that fun I use television as a way to escape my ordinary life and for 30 minutes to an hour I can pretend that the show I'm watching is all that matters. This may not be the best use of my time but I find enjoyment in it, so until I have something to replace tv, like school work or a job, I will continue to watch things like World's Dumbest, All Worked Up, Repo, and Disorder in the Court. This addiction is quite new so it may be a while before another installment, but until then....deuces

TRUST....a 5 letter word that has sooooo much meaning

Everyday I find myself struggling with several personal issues that are deep rooted in my character. A prominent one is TRUST, I have been struggling with this since I can remember. I believe that my trust issues started with my father...a man that until I was eight wanted nothing to do with me. Thus, I was reluctant to form a relationship with him because in the back of my mind I feared he would leave again. Which began the trend of only allowing people to only get "so" close. As a way to control the situation/relationship and what people know about me, which I believed could shape the person's idea of me. Living life like this didn't allow for me to have many "true" friends because anyone that wants to get close to me were scared away by my distant, aloof attitude--which I used as a facade to stop me from getting hurt, but it really stopped me from finding happiness. Leaving for college allowed me to get a different prospective of relationships, love, and trust. I soon found out that opening your heart can bring so much more joy than pain. I'm not saying that I don't feel apprehensive sometimes when entrusting people with things dear to my heart like, who I like, my personal feelings, and my past. But I try everyday to push myself to new heights because I know staying where I am will not allow me to achieve the goals God has for me.....so no matter how much I may want to continue to guard my heart I realize that it will get me nowhere. In addition, I know that the past has great affect on what I do in the future, but my past doesn't DECIDE my future I do, so with faith I move forward believing that God will guide me....so I put all my trust in Him, which allows me to have less fear of what "man" thinks/believes, so I'm growing into a more trusting person....but it will not happen overnite.

If You Really Knew Me

One late night I found myself watching a marathon of Teen Mom episodes, but after the marathon a show called "If You Really Knew Me" premiered. The premise of the show is to shine a light on the bullying, teasing, and trials that high school students go through on a daily basis. In trying to alleviate these problems motivational speakers created something called challenge day, where students come and confess some deep secrets to each other in an effort to bring the students together. The show got me thinking about what I would say, it would probably go like this. "If you really knew me you would know that I envy people that have a family with a mom, dad, cousins, aunts, uncles who see them for who they are. Don't get me wrong I have all of those people yet none of them really know much about "me." They know the simple stuff like I'm a senior at Bradley University and that I want to go to graduate school in St. Louis. However, they don't know that I have never had a boyfriend, that I fear rejection and disappointing people, or even that I struggle with my faith each and every day....you know the deep stuff. When I think of family I always imagined them as people that will never judge or criticize, but will listen to my problems and try to help...but mine isn't like that. Over the years I have realized that I don't have an intimate relationship with my mom or dad. I understand why I don't have an intimate relationship with my dad...he is in and out of my life constantly. But it wasn't until recently that I realized that the relationship I have with my mom is superficial. We never talk about anything deeper than movies, skating, or clothes. My mom rarely talks to me about God or even her relationships....when it comes to relationships she only talks about the guys that end up stalking her or something. Never what she is looking for in a guy or what she wants in life. Maybe I should be the one that should ask her about these things but sometimes I don't feel comfortable enough with her to confide in her. Because she always tends to tell someone else the things I tell her. "
"If you really knew me you would know that the reason that I am in love with school is because it has been the only thing that I was able to succeed at when I was younger and to this day I still struggle with believing that I am worth more than my smarts and sense of humor....sometimes I believe that I am only good for helping someone with their homework or to make them laugh. As I grow in God I am learning that God has much more in stored for me than just some jokes and good grades. From now on I will tell myself everyday that I am worth more than a laugh."

God via email

I've never been one to read a bible....I mean I have been growing in my relationship with God but actually reading his works has been something that I've postponed. Therefore, I decided to have a daily scripture emailed to me, its not as the best way to get more familiar with the bible but for me its a step. So I got this scripture a couple of days ago that really spoke to me.

"For this is what the high and lofty One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." – Isaiah 57:15 (NIV)

The scripture also comes with an interpretation:


The way that God reveals Himself in Scripture is dynamic! He is far beyond all we can comprehend, and yet He knows every detail of our thoughts. This means that God not only hears the cries of our soul, He has the power to do something about it! To humble ourselves before God is to open the door for renewing our lives.
 
I really needed to hear this because sometimes I feel that the reason my prayers are not answered are because I don't have the courage to speak them aloud. This scripture helped me realize or maybe just remember that God knows everything about me even the stuff that I can't speak.

Walking in Faith

For the last couple of months I have been struggling trying to find money for my tuition so that I could go back to school in the fall. Education has been the only thing I have excelled at since the third grade so being faced with the idea that I would not be able to finish my college degree was breaking my heart. My friends continuously reassured me that God would not leave me at this point in my journey and that He would make away. I am not perfect so of course I had doubt that even God could fix my problem, but I still prayed and tried to hold to my beliefs that God is greater than any problem. After weeks--then months-- of my problem not being solved I grew sad that maybe college was not where I was meant to be right now. I started to give up hope that I would be in Peoria in the fall, but recently God found a way for me to get the money I need for my last year at Bradley. If I wasn't convinced that God is my provider and will make a way out of no way. I am definitely convinced now! This experience has strengthened my faith in God and from this day forward I will never doubt that He will pull me through. I am so blessed to have God in my life and I appreciate everything that He has done for me!

Straight Addiction Part 2

I believe that I have an addictive personality because I can looooooove something for a couple weeks and then discard it like its nothing. Well, my current addiction is relationship articles....don't ask my why? but I find myself spending hours reading articles on how to attract men and what flirting techniques to use. I mean its not like I'm reading this stuff so that I can effectively find a guy, its actually a form of entertainment to read some of the things women do to get men. Personally, I know that as long as I stay open-minded love will eventually find me--so I'm not worried nor do I really think about relationships that often. Even though a relationship is not at the top of my priority list I've seem to have read nearly 50 or more articles about the subject. Maybe subconsciously I want to be in a relationship and reading articles about it is the physical manifestation-- allowing me to live vicariously through the writers of these articles. Idk...relationships were never my strong point (if you've read my previous posts you would know that) so reading these articles gives me a view into the dating world...a world I've never managed to explore due to reasons only God knows. I mean I have always been a lovable person but could never manage to find a guy that liked me nor friends that would hang with me. Like any normal teenager I assumed their was something wrong with me and that's why I had no friends or gentleman callers (lol). But it wasn't until my sophomore year in college that my friend told me maybe it has nothing to do with you and all to do with what God didn't want in your life.  That is something that I hadn't thought of and that comment brought light to many of my childhood experiences. Because when I was younger I craved peer approval and probably would have done a lot to get it and God knew that, thus separating me from the very people that I wanted to get close to. In an effort to keep me on the path I was put on. Thinking back to my jr high years...I would have been into some crazy things if I could actually get the friends that I wanted. So it makes me think....even when God is not the head of your life He still protects you from anything that will separate you from His will and His way. I guess being addicted to these articles is normal because everyone is curious about something they know nothing about. This will soon pass and I will be on to the next one....until then deuces

My First Crush in a Long Long Long Time

My friend told me that writing my thoughts and feelings down was a good way to better know myself. Well, I'm not that big on writing my feelings down, but then a few weeks later another friend suggested I start a blog--so I assumed it was a sign from God that I need to actually try to write my thoughts down. So here goes........
My first year as a member of Sigma Gamma Rho was the most excitement I've had in a long time, from becoming friends with people I wouldn't otherwise meet, going to crazy parties, to hosting events--it was crazy (in a good way). The one thing I wasn't expecting was to get this HUGE crush on this boy in my class. I mean he wasn't greek, or even that social, but I was soooooooo into him. I mean to a normal girl a crush is nothing new, but for me the last crush I had was when I was in theeeeeeeeeeee 8th grade. So I was actually surprised that I was feeling this way. I mean I was in a state of constant happiness when I would see him, think about him, or even when my friends would say his name I began to smile. However, after a while I became obsessed with him (or maybe just the way he made me feel) so much that every conversation I had some how ended up about him, constantly thinking of him. Once that happened I realized I had to somehow stop liking this boy because this feeling I was having was toxic and interfering with my other relationships. Since he wasn't in my friendship or greek circle I thought it would be easy to get over this crush. OOOOOOH boy was I wrong! In the Fall of 2009 I get word that the Kappas have a line of boys and my crush is possibly one of them. But of course I denied it and said that I wouldn't be convinced until he removes his mask at a probate. I finally get what I wanted...a Kappa probate so that I could put to rest these allegations about him. I was both excited and scared because there was a possibility that the boy that I was trying to forget was about to join my greek circle forcing me to talk to him. The nite of the probate,my sorors and I are standing outside waiting anxiously for it to begin.....finally the two boys that crossed KAPsi were standing rite in front of me. My friends & I knew rite away that it was him because he has the HUGEST lips and you can't hide those behind a mask.lol. During his whole probate my soror is teasing me about him and how now I have no excuse not to talk to him now and how he is my frat now. Having him in my greek circle was the last thing I wanted. I began to ask God why THIS boy was incapable of staying an unobtainable fantasy? Then over this summer God allowed me to realize that even though my crush and I will never be together it was good to actually experience those feelings. I mean I had buried my emotions deep down so I couldn't feel disappointment but I also couldn't feel the joy of having a crush. So I think God brought this boy into my life to show me that its okay to feel, its okay to be vulnerable...that's the only you will be truly happy.

SMH.....shaking my head

The funniest thing happened to me today, so I'm walking to my grandma house (I hate that my car is not working) because we were having our fourth of July celebrations on the 5th. On my way there I get stopped by this old man who is bringing his garbage can on the curb who precedes to ask me about my day and what I was doing. When he first said Hi I thought he was just being a nice neighbor, but I soon realized his intentions were not as simple as that. Finally I was able to get away after a couple minutes of weird, yet funny conversation-- he ended the conversation with "you look nice." I guess a compliment is nice no matter who says it, but I think I would have liked it better if it was a guy more my age.lol Because it kinda left me feeling slightly creeped out, but I gotta say it gives me a good story to tell my friends. Then if that wasn't bad enough I get closer to my grandma's house and this boy who sounded like he hadn't even hit puberty yells "hey baby, come over here".....I try to ignore it and continue with my walk as if nothing happened also trying to convince myself that they weren't even talking to me. Maybe there was another girl walking down the street at the same time as me(you never know). *side note* that is something I do all the time....try to convince myself that the things that happened to me were either a figment of my imagination or was actually happening to some other girl and I just misunderstood what was happening. Anywho, its sad that that's the most excitement I've had this summer. I wish I could meet some cool people my age that live in my neighborhood (since I don't have a car) because my summer is becoming a repetition of watching tv, listening to the radio, and then sporadic cleaning.

God Favors Me

With no job and no summer classes I have had ample time to reflex on my faith in God. I have been an avid church-goer since I was born, but it wasn't until last year that I truly began to look deep within myself to see where I stood with God. I mean you can go to church all day but if you don't have a personal relationship with God, what are you really getting out of the service? Listening to a pastor minister to you is necessary and essential to growing in your walk with God, but if once you leave the church you return to your normal, "worldly" ways you have missed point. Essentially, that's what I was doing--just going to church (because my mom made me) and sitting there counting down the minutes until I could go back home. It wasn't until my sophomore year in college that I made moves to change that. I had met some wonderful women that were confident in their walk with God, which made me more open to changing my views of church and fundamentally, God. I began to learn that God is more than just a all-knowing, creator of Heaven and Earth--he is also a protector, father, and friend. When you have no one else, God is there to help fight your battles-- no matter how big or small, even if we think that we can handle it ourselves. Discovering this has helped me get through some rough times and resolve some of my deep-seeded issues with trust, my father, and acceptance. As I grow in  my faith, I have realized that with Him by my side ALL things are possible. I also had to realize that becoming a God-fearing kingdom citizen will not happen over night..... I just took it one day at a time and soon enough I have learned to trust and love God whole-heartedly and each day I try to become more and more like Him so that His works can shine through me.
One of my favorite gospel songs is "God Favors Me" by Hezekiah Walker because it basically says that no matter what is happening to you right now, don't worry because you have favor and at the end of your struggles you will come out stronger. This song has helped me realize that my issues with money, people, myself will be worked by God-- if I let Him. Giving over all power over my life and trust to Him is something that I struggle with everyday, but I'm consistently reminded that He will never leave me & that makes it so much easier.

Finding the Man of My Dreams

Well, since I was young I never had good luck with men, always seemed to be the friend not the girlfriend.  Use to make me mad because the boy that I dreamed about would never see me but the boy that I completely hated always seemed to be around.....JUST MY LUCK. So after a while I gave up and came to terms with the fact that I just wasn't meant to have a boyfriend. Believing this made high school so much easier because I wasn't consumed with what boy did or did not like me...I didn't care. College on the otherhand is a different story because you are coming into young adult years. I mean I'm almost 22 and I've never had a boyfriend....ridiculous, right? Its not like I'm a homebody, I get out occassionally and I know people, yet there has not been one guy who has had the courage to walk up to me and simply introduce himself. I mean guys may look even stare though they never say a thing. Its not my job to initiate conversation if you are the one staring at me during events or class. I'm not an intimidating women, I may walk with confidence and speak my mind but since when has those qualities been bad. Yeeeeeah, going to a predominantly white university doesn't help my situation, but sometimes I just wish an educated, young black man...preferibly handsome would just come up  to me and sweep me off my feet. I guess right now thats too much to ask for, but I am still looking for the one man who will truly take my breath away.

Facebook, a social network...HOW BOUT NOT!

I first joined facebook @ the end of my senior year of high school. Back then it was used to simply communicate with your friends when yall went to college or outside of school. As years have passed Facebook has changed dramatically I mean people use it to spread rumors, talk about people, start beefs, & to broadcast their emotional issues. I mean if I read another note about how some girl is pissed about her break-up, I will punch someone in the face. Facebook was never meant for people to display their whole life to a group of "friends" that, most of which, they don't even talk to in person. People don't realize that employers, school faculty, and family members can see the wretchedness that they put on their facebook pages. From drunken pictures to ignorant statuses, I am ashamed of what facebook has become, but whatever facebook will always allow free expression. Just wish people used common sense before they wrote that status or took that picture, but at least I get to laugh. *kanye shrug*

Drake, Drizzy...whatever he wanna call himself

Since the So Far Gone mixtape came out I have been awaiting this album, Thank Me Later. When it finally dropped on June 15, I was excited to listen to it and thankfully I wasn't disappointed. The album has this new feel to it.....he has some AMAZING beats and lyrics that really say a lot about him. There are a few songs that I suggest you listen to: Show Me a Good Time, Unforgettable, and Fireworks. If you haven't joined #teamdrizzy I suggest you get with the times. I won't say he is the best I've heard, that title will always belong to Jay-Z, but I can say that I see Drake being "on top" for a while. Hopefully, he doesn't let this new found fame go to his head, like so many other up-in-coming rappers......only time can tell.

Straight Addiction

For the last month I have been completely addicted to Def Poetry Jam on Youtube...yeah I know I'm late because Def Poetry Jam went off the air in like 2006.The reason I started watching was because Shihan, an AMAZING POET, was coming to my school. So I started listening to him and then other Def Jam Poets and before I knew it was hooked. From Shihan to Poemcees to Sista Queen to Dana Gilmore....all wonderful poets that I had never heard of until April. Def Poetry Jam was such a wonderful place for poets to have their work heard by such a large audience....I think it should come back on the air, I mean with all the crappy shows that come on today. We need something that will stimulate our minds.



*You should go check out those poets on youtube.....amazing. * Here are some links to get you started on the Def Poetry Jam venture.
Poemcees- Cheatin': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmLVMdm_fAI&feature=related
Shihan- In Response: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YWl4hp4wLI
Sista Queen- Try Being a Lady: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ubi0xRMT5Hk
Rafael Casal- Barbie & Ken 101: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8MVhIiy8UQ

Senior Year of College

As I approach the end of my undergraduate career I find myself wondering what my life will be like as a full-fledged adult. With my own place, career, and independence. After 3 full years of living in dorms and only coming home for weeks at a time, the house I grew up in feels like a hotel that I stay in during vacations from my CRAZY life at school (& I crave a stable living environment). I mean from maintaining a B average to attending all most every black fraternity/sorority party that we have......my life is pretty busy : ) I completely love being a member of what I think is the BEST sorority ever, Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority,Inc. its just brings a lot of stress, responsibility, & sometimes DRAMA. So graduating can bring about mixed emotions but mainly I am EXCITED and can't wait until I walk across that stage and they call my name. Well, that day is a while away sooooo as my summer continues to drag on, I've had a lot of time to think about life, listen to music, and just relax and I've learned quite a lot from the down time of not having a job or summer classes.

• Firstly, never be too busy that you can't rest every once and a while because you can miss a lot of the little things in life when you move too fast.
• Secondly, coming home after living on your own at college can be a humbling experience because you can easily get use to leaving and returning whenever you please. Don't let this experience bring about arguments and resentment because at the end of the day its still your parents house (something I had to learn the hard way).
• Thirdly, college is what you make of it.....I know that I didn't make this phrase up but it really stands true because when your in college it going to be a interesting experience. As you try to incorporate both healthy studying habits and fun into your life, just remember the real reason you are in college & you should be fine (hopefully to get an education & be successful is a couple of the reasons).
• Fourthly, jumping into a relationship with someone in college your freshman year may not be the best thing because both of you should be trying to find out who you are as a person and being in a relationship can hinder that, but hey what do I know.
• Lastly, try to figure out who your real friends are because they will help make your experience in college all the best.

Now that I'm done with all the deep insightful stuff I will try to add some light, fun topics......next time. Deuces

Getting Acquainted

As the average college student, over the summer I run into a pattern of monotonous days filled with getting up late, watching TV, then spending numerous hours on the computer. Today was no different, I woke up at 12:30pm just wasting time by watching random shows on television. You would be surprised at the stupid stuff you will watch if there is nothing else to do. But thankfully my good friend told me that blogging would be a good hobby for me to start so that my summer days could go just a little bit faster.....I mean I've heard of it but never really thought it was something that I would do, but today I was in the mood to try something different. So as of now I don't know what this blog will be about, but I guess it will include random music or movie reviews, daily status reports, and probably just entertaining stories.