Hmmmmm...idk what I feel now

Soooo...remember how I said that I am released from the hold that my crush had over me, right?  Well, I do believe that I am still released  from this infatuation that I had for him but now I have a whole new feeling. I mean since the activities fair I have seen him several times....I mean its a small school with even less black people, that's gonna happen. So I've had a couple conversations and several interactions with him, which have allowed me to believe that I actually like him. I mean for his character and demeanor--not just for his looks or persona. THIS IS WHERE MY DILEMMA COMES IN. Idk if I want to like him? I mean he doesn't have a girlfriend....that I know of, he is funny, pretty cool, & we kinda have a similar sense of humor. But he is greek and in all my experiences that doesn't bring about faithful, trustworthy individuals. I know I have a bias experience because I'm only basing it off Bradley greeks but I mean sometimes being greek doesn't bring out the best in you.......sorry. This may sound weird but I don't want to "actually" like someone and they turn out to be a dog....even though he doesn't seem like that type of person....ahhhhh.that's another one of my defense mechanisms to make it seem that everyone has ulterior motives so that I don't allow anyone to ever get close to me.  That's something else I have to work on in my life. But right now I'm stuck in this place where I kinda like him &I kinda sorta believe he may like me too but of course I'm too scared to ask. I mean here is an example of why I think he may like me...you be the judge of whether he really does:
We had an event called Meet the Greeks where each NPHC organization can provide information to freshman and anyone else interested in greek life. Sooooo I'm standing in the lobby waiting for people to come to the event when for no apparent reason the kappas come out of their room and stand in the lobby with me. Ya know I didn't understand why it happened but I was gonna roll with it. Being the conversationalist that I am I begin to talk to them about another member of their chapter and what they expect to happen at this event. But my crush tended to stand back and not say much*that seems like the type of guy he is*, yet he wouldn't leave the lobby unless I left the lobby. WEIRD right? Anywho, so for a while he wouldn't say anything but when he saw these little cards that I made for the event he decided to tease me about them. * I guess since I was messing with him about their table at the activities fair he is okay with joking with me, which is fine* Then he started looking around in the lobby at pictures and showcases that have been there for months if not years.......really you haven't ever looked at these pictures before. I mean he was just finding reasons to stay in the lobby. Soooo I asked him about their room and what they had,and we kinda conversed about that but I had to leave their room because being the president of NPHC I tend to want to make sure nothing crazy is happening. But I just thought that was interesting that they gravitated towards me because they are good friends with the deltas but they were hanging out in the lobby with me. Idk what to think of it. But yeeeeeeeah that where I stand. In a place of idk and pure confusion. Hopefully, I will figure it out soon. until then deuces.

REVELATION

Soooooo today I had one of the biggest revelations ever. First let me start with saying that yesterday I was so distraught about my brain and heart conflicting with each other. Yet today I feel released and happy beyond reason because I conquered my fear.......talking to my crush. Let me tell you the story: As a member of a sorority at the beginning of every year we have to participate in an activities fair to show the freshmen what organizations are on Bradley's campus. Of course all the NPHC organizations are sitting next to each other, which meant I was a good 10 feet away from my supposed ex-crush. Originally, I was a little nervous but that soon faded as I began to talk and have fun with the other people around me. Then my soror/friend thought of the great idea to go mess with them since they didn't look happy sitting at their table. We walk over there asking for "more information" about their fraternity...just trying to make them laugh, which it did. But as I'm standing there my hand wouldn't stop shaking & I was soooooooo scared they would notice that I was nervous talking to them. After making them laugh my nervousness subsided and it allowed me to realize--there was nothing for me to be afraid of in the first place. I believe that God continued to place him on my heart--even after I didn't "like" him anymore--because I needed to be released from the hold he still had over me.  And I was released today because after talking, laughing, and joking with him I realized that I was putting him to a higher standard than everyone else. Like I expected him to be this great witty, smart, amazing person when really he is just a regular guy who is kinda funny and pretty cool. I thank God for this opportunity because I needed to be released from these feelings. Don't get me wrong I still kinda sorta like him but now I can see him as a normal individual and not some magnificent being. *sigh of relief* This will make this school year so much better because as I begin to realize that I don't have to put on a fascade for anyone...having that one person that I can't truly be me with would make me feel bad.I think I will sleep easier tonight knowing that I was able to face this problem head on......yes!

Conflicts

When I say conflicts I don't mean the kind that result in fights, arguments, or even break-ups. Conflicts for me are internal, just my brain and heart fighting against each other; one trying to convince the other. My latest conflict is over..........you guessed it......a guy. If you've read my previous posts its the same guy that I'm trying not crush over. However, since I have come back to school I've seen him nearly three times this week. Which I originally thought would be fine because I believed that I wasn't crushing over him anymore. This theory still reigned true until last night when I had ANOTHER dream about him....yes another. It had something to do with helping his friend move some of his stuff. Idk what it means. It makes me wonder if my heart/conscience/God is trying to tell me something about this boy and I'm just not understanding. Because in my mind I believe I don't have feelings for him, when I see him I don't get the same feelings anymore and I was happy about that. However, recently I have been having numerous dreams about him--more than when I was head over heals in like with him. So idk what to make of it....but its really frustrating when your trying to get over something yet it keeps popping back up. I just wish my brain and heart could come to a consensus about this topic.

Invisible

Growing up, I always believed that I blended into the background and that no one noticed me. Which produced a mindset that I could do WHATEVER and get away with it because I was essentially-- invisible. And up until I hit college my invisible theory was never threatened. However, college provides an opportunity for people to figure out who they really are, allowing me to bloom into this charmastic, hilarious, and smart person. Thus, creating an opportunity for me to become the "social butterfly" that I have always wanted to be, yet I still had the mindset that people could care less about Candace Gunby. College has really been a learning experience because not only have I become more comfortable with people taking notice of my talents and abilities but also I have learned that people actually care what I think, feel, & believe. I mean when I am home I know my family cares...to some extent about what I think. But for some reason it matters more to me what my peers think of me and my ideas. As I grow older, I'm trying not to let my peers have such an effect on my decisions & behaviors, but its hard because I've wanted their approval for sooooo long that I don't know any different. However, recently (as in the last year) I have started to learn that the reason I was so stressed over my appearance and persona was because I was trying to be something I'm not and keeping up a particular look, style, and attitude is hard--especially if its not you. Just forgetting all about the physical and focusing on God & our relationship has allowed me to begin to SEE myself for who I really AM, which lead me to the realization that I may have been invisible to everyone--even myself but I was never invisible to the one that matters.....GOD!

Straight Addiction Part 3

Yes, I am back with my new found addiction......Tru TV. If you don't have cable you are missing out on a great network filled with forsenic, cop, and comedy filled shows. I have become completely infatuated with this channel. I find it comical to see --may be it extreme cases-- of what other communities experience: from their involvement with the law or even repossession experiences. All of it is GOOD tv. Over this summer I have been able to discover shows that I wouldn't otherwise see and I am glad that I was able to do so.I guess since my summer wasn't that fun I use television as a way to escape my ordinary life and for 30 minutes to an hour I can pretend that the show I'm watching is all that matters. This may not be the best use of my time but I find enjoyment in it, so until I have something to replace tv, like school work or a job, I will continue to watch things like World's Dumbest, All Worked Up, Repo, and Disorder in the Court. This addiction is quite new so it may be a while before another installment, but until then....deuces

TRUST....a 5 letter word that has sooooo much meaning

Everyday I find myself struggling with several personal issues that are deep rooted in my character. A prominent one is TRUST, I have been struggling with this since I can remember. I believe that my trust issues started with my father...a man that until I was eight wanted nothing to do with me. Thus, I was reluctant to form a relationship with him because in the back of my mind I feared he would leave again. Which began the trend of only allowing people to only get "so" close. As a way to control the situation/relationship and what people know about me, which I believed could shape the person's idea of me. Living life like this didn't allow for me to have many "true" friends because anyone that wants to get close to me were scared away by my distant, aloof attitude--which I used as a facade to stop me from getting hurt, but it really stopped me from finding happiness. Leaving for college allowed me to get a different prospective of relationships, love, and trust. I soon found out that opening your heart can bring so much more joy than pain. I'm not saying that I don't feel apprehensive sometimes when entrusting people with things dear to my heart like, who I like, my personal feelings, and my past. But I try everyday to push myself to new heights because I know staying where I am will not allow me to achieve the goals God has for me.....so no matter how much I may want to continue to guard my heart I realize that it will get me nowhere. In addition, I know that the past has great affect on what I do in the future, but my past doesn't DECIDE my future I do, so with faith I move forward believing that God will guide me....so I put all my trust in Him, which allows me to have less fear of what "man" thinks/believes, so I'm growing into a more trusting person....but it will not happen overnite.

If You Really Knew Me

One late night I found myself watching a marathon of Teen Mom episodes, but after the marathon a show called "If You Really Knew Me" premiered. The premise of the show is to shine a light on the bullying, teasing, and trials that high school students go through on a daily basis. In trying to alleviate these problems motivational speakers created something called challenge day, where students come and confess some deep secrets to each other in an effort to bring the students together. The show got me thinking about what I would say, it would probably go like this. "If you really knew me you would know that I envy people that have a family with a mom, dad, cousins, aunts, uncles who see them for who they are. Don't get me wrong I have all of those people yet none of them really know much about "me." They know the simple stuff like I'm a senior at Bradley University and that I want to go to graduate school in St. Louis. However, they don't know that I have never had a boyfriend, that I fear rejection and disappointing people, or even that I struggle with my faith each and every day....you know the deep stuff. When I think of family I always imagined them as people that will never judge or criticize, but will listen to my problems and try to help...but mine isn't like that. Over the years I have realized that I don't have an intimate relationship with my mom or dad. I understand why I don't have an intimate relationship with my dad...he is in and out of my life constantly. But it wasn't until recently that I realized that the relationship I have with my mom is superficial. We never talk about anything deeper than movies, skating, or clothes. My mom rarely talks to me about God or even her relationships....when it comes to relationships she only talks about the guys that end up stalking her or something. Never what she is looking for in a guy or what she wants in life. Maybe I should be the one that should ask her about these things but sometimes I don't feel comfortable enough with her to confide in her. Because she always tends to tell someone else the things I tell her. "
"If you really knew me you would know that the reason that I am in love with school is because it has been the only thing that I was able to succeed at when I was younger and to this day I still struggle with believing that I am worth more than my smarts and sense of humor....sometimes I believe that I am only good for helping someone with their homework or to make them laugh. As I grow in God I am learning that God has much more in stored for me than just some jokes and good grades. From now on I will tell myself everyday that I am worth more than a laugh."