The End of an Era....the crush is over!

To say that God works in mysterious ways would be an under statement. He has really been working in my life specifically in the area of men and relationships. For the last year and a half I have been trying to make sense of this crush that I had. And it wasn't until a few minutes ago did I learn what God was trying to show me. He was trying to show me that I have a void in my heart in which needs to be filled with God. The way He went about showing me this was extravagant because He opened my heart just enough for me to begin to crush on someone, but needed for me to grow in my faith before He could take to the next step. Then once I was strong in God, He allowed me to question my reasoning behind liking such a random guy. Once I completely trusted in God I was able to put a demand on his spirit and if we were meant to be in each other's lives for any reason, not just romantically.....he will contact me by Friday at midnight. But since I am new to this "demand" thing I was slightly skeptical that God works in this way. Sooooooo weirdly enough the day was moving along like any other then randomly my friend asked me to go to this toga party hosted by my crush's organization.....even though she doesn't like parties let alone house parties.
Of course we go.....after being at the party for at least 45 minutes my crush passes my friend, taps her on the shoulder, and says hi......but when he sees me he stops right in front of me for an extended period of time after he says hi........weird right?......so then its getting really awkward so I tap his hand like to say "hey I acknowledge your existence can you please move b/c this is weird."  Then he walked away. It wasn't until later that night that I realized that, that awkward moment showed me that the demand I put on him worked and that we are not meant to be in each other's lives.
Sooooo this rest of the weekend I was not as happy as I normally am and while at church I discovered that it is because I have a void in my heart that I did not know was there. After speaking to my roommate she told me that maybe I needed him to come into my life so that God could show me that I have a void because you can't fix a problem you don't know exists.
That's where I stand crushless, but even more excited about where God is trying to take me. Therefore, its the end of an era but its the start of a new journey........a journey to a whole heart, filled with God.

I'm Really Starting to Like this Poetry Thing

The Small Things

Raindrops fall on my window
creating a musical symphony,
accented by thunder and lightning.
An atmosphere perfect for sleeping.
However, on this night, the music
was so prolific that it kept me up for hours.

Pondering about how something so simple
could be so poetic. Envisioning God
orchestrating this masterpiece,
combining the simple pleasures
with the majestic wonders. To create scenes
that take your breath away,
like thunderstorms and rainbows—
the things we take for granted.

Eventhough this poetry is for a class, I still feel it is a great opportunity for me to express feelings that I am reluctant to explore.

The Plot Thickens.....

Soooooooooo as the school year progresses, I find myself becoming more and more confused about my situation with my crush.Each day I feel that I fall deeper and deeper into a pit of distraction, in which I find myself spending hours thinking and dreaming about him. The weird thing is that I don't believe I find him physically attractive and he seems to be a disgrace to his organization, but I still can't help but think about him. A friend suggested that the reason that I am in this limbo of like/dislike is because I have not invested time into learning more about him. Being stuck in my rebellious ways I don't want to know more about him, I just want to get him out of my head. Sometimes I wonder if God put him on my heart for a reason and I'm just not understanding because the dreams are becoming more frequent, yet less about him. Now he is just a fixture in my dreams instead of the main attraction. The interesting part to me is that I believe that we are both so stuck in this "Its whatever" mentality that nothing will come of "possible" emotions because neither of us are willing to make moves. Personally I have become convinced that all I need to do is graduate and move to St. Louis and all my problems will be solved, but I fear it won't be that simple. But who knows what is to come of my little crush on this Kappa man.

Poetry.....new found art, for me at least

As a senior, I have been taking random classes just to fulfill my credit hour requirements. So I'm taking this creative writing class, which just happens to be primarily, only about poetry. Something I have never written before, but I have realized that I kinda sorta really like it.....its a cool way to express yourself. Here is my first poem I ever wrote:


Tears flow down my face
as if the levies to my tear ducts broke.
Eyes redder than the ink
used to grade my English paper.
And even though my face screams
Save me from this hell I call life

All my mouth could muster is
‘my day was fine.’

Mundane and generic
but all my mom had time for
before she went off to bed
leaving me
to navigate the world of love,
adolescence, and all the other things
parents tell their children
over bedtime stories and late night conversations.

Trial and error, what better way
to describe my life filled with
pent-up frustrations towards

All the boys who never liked me,
girls that hated me,
and teachers that couldn’t even remember
my name.

Oh the good years—high school
a time where I was ignored by most
and remembered by
none.

A time that has come and gone
leaving me with scars I’m proud
to show as proof I made it through.

The END
 
I think I'm gonna continue to write poetry & occasionally I will share some with you.